The Once and Future King of Queens

King of Queens in the style of Game of Thrones.

Perhaps you will find this tasteless, but here is a short story of King of Queens as if it were Game of Thrones. RIP Jerry Stiller.

Arthur Spooner was laid to rest in Mount Carmel Cemetery when his time finally came. A working man of many years, his twilight was spent in a mold-infested basement. It was his cruel and mighty son-in-law Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) that kept the door locked and the frigid air turned up. Life—and the cruel ravages of time—had taken his wife long ago. All he had left to him was his daughter, Carrie (Leah Remini). But he was barred from spending time with her by the ogre of the home.

The funeral was sparsely attended. Doug had boxed out Arthur’s companions long ago, isolating the old man in a tomb of his own loneliness. Present were that devil Doug, the captive Carrie, Veronica (Anne Meade, Arthur’s would-be suitor), and Holly (Nicole Sullivan).

The local dog walker hired by the troll to walk Arthur around the block like a beast, Holly had grown affectionate to the man in her care. Though she saw him first as a pet, as their time together wound on she knew him to be more. She came to see his humor and humanity relative to his canine walkmates. He was unto her own father. That was, until his passing. A passing Holly knew to be the doing of Doug Heffernan, Arthur’s most cursed enemy and the cause of all his suffering. How exactly, she did not know. But there was naught but certainty that the dreaded Doug was behind it all.

She shared this belief with Veronica. The short-time paramour of Arthur Spooner, she knew more about the legacy of her late lover than his walking companion ever could. Biblically, yes, but she also knew his legend. He imparted it to her just a few short days before he expired.

“Veronica,” he had said. He was weak of breath and spirit from the latest tyrannical ravages of Doug. “I’m afraid I don’t have much longer. This guy is going to kill me.”

“Arthur, no,” Veronica said in return. “We’re going to get you out of here. That… man won’t lay a finger on you.”

Arthur dipped his head. In sorrow or weariness, Veronica couldn’t tell. “It’s too late for all that. He’s taken everything from me. My daughter, my manhood. He keeps me down in this basement like a terrible secret.” Arthur’s cool dropped and he howled his words. “The tell-tale heart, Veronica! I’m his tell-tale heart!”

He told her next of the throne and legacy of The King of Queens. It was a position of immense power. He who proved himself worthy of the royalty had sole dominion over one of New York’s larger boroughs. The position came with tremendous respect. Every door in the city was open to you. The taps were always flowing, and your lap was always growing. (“If you catch my meaning,” Arthur added editorially). The rites of the title of King of Queens were not passed down by blood but boldness. One must earn the crown. And the candidates had been narrowed down as they’d lost their claim of candidacy. After a torrid series of upheavals, only three claimants remained: Arthur Spooner, Doug “The Bull” Heffernan, and Carrie Heffernan (once “Carrie Spooner”).

And now, on that rainy day, Arthur Spooner (Jerry Stiller) was laid to rest. Foul play was suspected amongst the attendees. And the battle for the crown would soon be decided.

The Heffernans arrived back to their home in working class Queens. They each changed—of their own accord—into New York Jets’ regalia.

Carrie found Doug the boar in what had recently been Arthur’s basement. He was taking measurements of the room’s dimensions.

“What are you doing, Doug?” Carrie crossed her arms at her husband. She feared her limbs would lock this way one day.

“I’m thinking about setting up a home gym.” Doug’s breathing was heavy, and hot. He’d melt a snowman by breathing down his neck.

“Because you’re so in shape, Doug.” Carrie’s tone could take the lukewarm puddle and chill it back into a snowman.

“Well, I’ve never had a home gym, Carrie.” Doug straightened to his massive standing height. His wife was dwarfed by his shadow alone.

She stared him down like David to the goliath. “Can’t we let my father’s body go cold before we install a Bowflex?” She did not seem to flinch at his whims. If she was shaking, it was all on the inside. Arthur had hammered his daughter to be tougher than nails. But Doug did not intend to be a hammer. He sought to be dynamite.

Doug’s closest friends and confidants had warned him that the Carrie Rebellion was close at hand.

Deacon (Victor Williams) had taken Doug aside before their drove their parcel route one morning. “Doug, Carrie is black ice. You think you’re driving on solid asphalt, until you turn and the friction just isn’t there.” He patted his coworkers on the back. “She’ll wreck your life. And I’ll be there to rubberneck.”

Doug’s brother Danny (Gary Valentine) had given in some small comfort. “When Carrie kills you, man, don’t worry. Your bed won’t go cold. I’ll take care of her.”

Spence (Patton Oswalt) bemoaned Doug’s concerns. “What, Doug, I’m supposed to feel bad for you? You kill your annoying father-in-law and then get to be killed by your smoking hot wife? Cry me a river, why don’t you?”

Lou Ferrigno (playing himself) shook as Doug entered Lou’s office. Doug was the only man the former Hulk truly feared. And if the behemoth was quaking in fear, Heffernan the Leviathan knew he could take on his wife.

Now, Doug approached his wife. She grew larger in his eyes, but it was more than the simple closing distance. It was as if Carrie grew as her confidence and malice did. She glowered at the behemoth to whom she was wed. With the tremendous strength of her will, she pulled from her back a sword, branded after her beloved New York Jets. She had it forged herself, when she saw her husband checking discount coffin prices when Arthur Spooner developed a nasty cough. Later that night, she had found the deadly mold spores Doug had been placing in Arthur’s food.

“I know you killed my dad, Doug,” she said through gritted teeth. Doug revealed a sword of his own. It bore the logo of the International Parcel Service, Doug’s employer. He had earned it for twenty loyal years behind the wheel of their delivery truck.

“Then you know, Carrie,” Doug said, “that the family tree is about to be cut down.”

He swung at her, the force of his blow had the destructive potential of a falling tree. Carrie angled her blade just so, and his strike skidded to the side. Taking the gap in his stance, she lunged. She stuck her blade into his ample flesh. Gripping the blade with both hands, she plunged. With the combined anger of every championship the Jets hadn’t won for over fifty years, she cleaved her husband in two. Doug Heffernan’s top and bottom halves held together for a moment before he broke at the seam and his top half slid from his legs and toppled to the ground.

Carrie cleaned her blade on her husband’s cheese-stained trousers and ascended the stairs from her father’s living tomb. At the threshold of her kitchen, she found Deacon, Danny, Spence, and Lou Ferrigno waiting for her.

“So it’s done, then?” asked Lou Ferrigno.

“Yes,” Carrie said, blade still clutched in hand. “Pledge your fealty, or face the consequences.” The mighty Lou Ferrigno, Deacon, and Spence bowed before the true King.

Danny opened his sputtering maw. “Carrie, might I take my brother’s place in your marital bed?”

“Danny, you will need a ladder to kiss this ass,” said King Carrie. “Clean the gutters and maybe I’ll let you sleep in the garage tonight.” Danny Heffernan, Brother of the Slain, fell over himself on the way to clean the palace’s gutters.

Carrie climbed to the house’s uppermost floor. She entered what her late husband had always referred to as the Throne Room. It was the shitter. She looked out through the tiny bathroom window, and saw Holly and Veronica looking up at her from the lawn below. She lit a candle and placed it in the window. This was a symbol to all of Queens that its people could finally sleep with both eyes firmly closed.

The Monster of Queens was no more. The rightful King of Queens was finally on the throne.